


Bob Gaudio’s Intervention

by Eastwoof



Category: Jersey Boys (2014), Jersey Boys - Gaudio/Crewe/Brickman/Elice
Genre: (actually we are), Crack, M/M, Multi, Oh yeah this is also really gay I guess, bob is thirsty for jello cups and frankie, crackfic, frankie is best mom, i want to die, just a reminder that TWO people were in involved in this and none of us are proud, lime jello is best flavor don’t @ Bob, nick is mouth breather confirmed, tommy is still garbage as per usual, why was this allowed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-07-05 10:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15861732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eastwoof/pseuds/Eastwoof
Summary: Before rehearsal can begin, Bob needs something very important to him.Adapted from a series of inside jokes between both of the mods.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you don't regret clicking this then you have a serious problem

“mother, please? another jewwo cup?”

“No.”

“JUST GIVE HIM DAMN THE JELLO! HE’S GONNA KEEP ASKING!”

Nick rubbed his face in annoyance. He really did not want to be here in this train wreck that was supposed to be a rehearsal. Bob constantly asked for an actual cup of jiggly green sugar as if he were some broken record player. Tommy, on the other hand, continued pushing Frankie to do the bidding just to get Gaudio to keep his trap shut. Of course, asking someone to keep quiet would obviously result in more noise.

“please just one more and then we can continue.”

“Bobby, please,” Frankie sighed. “You had six already.”

“SEVEN AIN’T A BAD NUMBER AT THIS POINT, FRANKIE,” Tommy said, his voice raising.

“they’re so addictive,” Bob explained himself and his sudden want for the sugary treat. “and lime is a really good flavor.”

Frankie looked over at Nick almost as a form as a cry for help. He received no look from Massi in reply but instead a somewhat stronger glare from Tommy. The lead vocalist rolled his eyes. “Listen, I’m not here to give you diabetes.”

“i’ve eaten like twenty of these in one night while i was _writing us our record-breaking hits_ , mom. if i don’t eat one in the next twenty seconds i will actually cease to function.”

Frankie threw his hands up, “Great, now _two_ of my children have addictions. You know what? We’re going to give you an intervention. C’mon - everyone around Bobby-boyo here.”

“SINCE WHEN DID YOU START GIVIN’ THE ORDERS HERE, HUH?” Tommy sneered.

Nick scolded him, “Just do what he says, a*shat.”

“YES, DARLING.”

The three men surrounded their youngest member who, despite being the biggest of all of them, seemed to shrink as they approached him. Tommy clearly enjoyed the new authority he had over Bob because ever since the shift in leadership, the Four Seasons’ founder himself was in lack of power. Nick made sure to glare at him in check, but with Tommy being Tommy, the guitarist shrugged him off despite the shiver he felt down his spine. He honestly didn’t know if that was a good feeling.

“Bobby, honey,” Frankie began, “This Jello thing needs to stop. It’s hurting you, it’s hurting all of us.”

Bob folded his arms, “i wrote sherry while i was on ten jello cups, frankie! they’re the source of my magnificent power!”

“How old are you again?” Nick frowned.

Tommy laughed, “HE LOOKS LIKE A GIANT TWELVE-YEAR-OLD.”

“Understandable. Have a nice day,” was the bassist’s reply.

“No, you’re staying right here,” Frankie instructed in his motherly tone. He looked back at Bob. “If I give you one more Jello cup, will you please stop asking?”

Bob vigorously nodded his head. “lime pwease owo”

Nick closed his mouth and held his breath. He was hoping he could at least see a glimpse of the light this time.

Frankie slowly got up, feeling similarly to how Nick was feeling. He couldn’t possibly Kermit suicide, though. Who would take care of his ~~boyfriend~~ son? He walked over to the Jello stash that practically took up one fourth of the rehearsal room and began digging around for green colored jiggly sugar.

“Sh*t…”

“WHAT HAPPENED?” Tommy whispered.

“Uh, Bobby?” Frankie called for his son’s attention. “Honey?”

“yes mother?”

Frankie was truly going to regret this. “I think you finished the last lime already.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Bob’s face fell and scrunched into a look that would make Kylo Ren’s temper tantrums seem like a simple “please”. Tommy looked like he wanted to desperately kick something at this point- nay! someone. Nick continued to hold his breath, allowing his face to turn a light purple as he ignored his ~~husband’s~~ brother from another mother’s desperate pleas of “NOT YET, DEAREST. NO.” All the while, Frankie just wanted to make a lime Jello cup appear out of thin air.

“Sweetie, please,” Frankie was starting to panic. “There’s a bunch of other flavors here. I’m sure they’re just as good. We have lemon! That’s close right?”

“but it’s not the same!” Bob shouted, anger clearly evident in his words. “it isn’t green.”

“There’s mixed melon!” Frankie tried to suggest. “That’s green.”

“but that flavor suuuucks o^o”

Nick finally took a breath. “Oh my God. Just have something else.”

Bob looked like he was going to drop kick the band’s Ringo into the sun. “i’d ask you to square up but without my jewwo i am powerless.”

Nick grimaced, wishing he held his breath longer. He breathed through his mouth because his nose is incapable of bringing oxygen to his lungs for some reason.

“CAN YOU JUST HAVE ANOTHER FLAVOR **B** LEASE.” Tommy threw his hands in the air.

“feck u, tommy! you never understood me! none of u have!!” Bob cried, tears leaking from his eyes. He sprinted for the door an exited the recording room, leaving Frankie, Nick, and Tommy by themselves. Frankie, dejected, let himself slump onto the floor.

Nick groaned, “C’mon, Frankie, you look like one of Tommy’s towels, lying on the floor there.”

“YOU WANNA FIGHT, MACHOOCH?”

“I just lost a child, guys,” Frankie croaked as he brought his knees to his chest, “What am I going to do?“

“FIND A REPLACEMENT—“

“We’ll look for him, Frankie,” Nick proposed, “If anything he just went to the nearest grocery or something to get more.”

Frankie was about to begin sobbing, “Out was _there_? All by _himself_?! Oh god… He’s helpless without me!”

Tommy was already slowly backing up toward the exit as Nick replied, “Yeah I know the feeling,” the bassist shot a glare toward Tommy, “Just stay put while we get the kid. C’mon Tommooch!”

“F*CKIN’ HELL, NICKY. WHY DON’T WE JUST LET HIM GO? HE’S A GROWN ADULT, HE CAN MAKE RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS…”

“I will actually choke you right here right now.”

“ ~~THAT’S HOT~~ F*CK YOU, NICKY.”

Frankie stood in retaliation to the guitarist, “Don’t you dare talk about my boyfriend like that!”

Nick cringed, “What.”

“WHAT. I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIS MOTHER.”

“Goodbye, Frankie,” Nick concluded, and dragged Tommy out of the recording room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when does this "plot" take place? we'll never know.  
> and asterisks because there is no swearing on our Christian Minecraft server.

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE,” Tommy flailed about in attempt to pry himself out of Nick’s grasp. “NO, NO, NO.”

Nick took a deep breath through his mouth. This was certainly going to be a long day. He blocked out the screams of his lover as the pair trampled through the streets in search of the Jello haggler. “If I was a tall twelve-year-old, where would I be?”

“TOYS R US?”

“No, that’s closed. And twelve-year-olds go to GameStop nowadays.”

The brothers from other mothers walked up and down the block asking people passing by if they’ve seen the jello loving virgin. All the people they asked said no, but in their defense, the only people that came by were a couple that passed after fifteen minutes of standing around.

After searching high and low (though it was really only walking down the street and calling it a day), the duo decided to head back to the rehearsal room to make sure Frankie didn’t have a complete mental breakdown.

“Did you find him?” Frankie asked from his fetal position on the floor as soon as the door flung open. “Has my son returned?”

“We couldn’t find him,” Gayssi said. “No one knew where he was.”

The mother frowned. “Did you try to actually go places or did you just stay outside hoping he’d come without bait?”

“...”

And back outside the duo went!

“WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE OUTSIDE? I HATE THE SUN. THE SUN’S A B*TCH.”

“Don’t worry,” Nick attempted to coax his husband into staying with him as he calculated a way to destroy the sun. “We'll be back inside once we get to the nearest market.”

The closest supermarket that they knew sold lime jello was a 15 minute commute… by car. In that case, let the 45 minute walk commence!

Not even five minutes into the trip, Tommy was already complaining. “I NEED TO TAKE A PISS.”

“I swear to f*ck, if you plan on using a sink again…"

“RELAX, WILL YA? ONLY IF THE SINK IS FRESH.”

Nick begged for Hell’s angels to consume him. “I'm gonna spit on you if you keep this up.”

“KINKY.”

That was enough to shut Tommy up. God forbid Nick’s spit actually touching his flesh. Tommy showered before rehearsals this time. He wasn't going to ruin his clean bod.

It was time for Nick to complain, “If you keep this up, I think I’ll actually kill you.” As they walked, the sweltering heat of the sun stung Nick’s exposed neck, and suddenly he began to understand where Tommy was coming from. Unlike Frankie who tanned, the two of them sustained the whitest genes on the planet, so Nick could bet a hundred dollars they’d be red and peeling by the time they arrived at the store. The most logical thing to do in this situation would be to call a cab, but damn if it isn’t fun to see that garbage human being suffer like this.

The trash man turned to Nick, “DON’T START WITH ME OVER A GODDAMN PISS, NICKY. I STARTED THIS GROUP AND THIS WHAT I GET BACK, HUH? YOU F*CK? I TOOK YOU OFF THE STREETS, FED YOU, PAID YOU, MADE YOU BETTER AT THE GUITAR, LET GAUDIO INTO THE GROUP, I GAVE YOU MY HEART—“

“Okay cool story, sh*twad, we’re here. While we’re looking for Gaudio we have to use our _inside_ voices, okay?”

Tommy didn’t even notice time flying by as he rambled. It felt as if mere seconds ago they were witnessing Frankie Valli himself flail his limbs on the ground because he missed his boytoy. The man shrugged, but when he looked to Nicky he was shocked to see that his **brother** looked like he aged fifty years. It was as if Nick’s soul escaped his body and left only an empty husk of what this gay man used to be. Nick was about ready to McDie.

“WHAT’S THAT??”

No response given back. Nick just entered the supermarket without giving the other man a second glance. Immediately an announcement blasted through the store’s speakers,

“ATTENTION. ALL EMPLOYEES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AISLE. A MAN IS RAIDING AND EATING ALL OF THE PRODUCTS IN THERE.”

“He’s only eating the lime-flavored ones!!!” Nick screamed, and instantly made a beeline for Gaudio.

Hunched over, Bob squeezed all of the green Jello cups he could find into his mouth. It was like he he’d been neglected for days - his hair seemed longer, in the span of just a few minutes somehow grew a lovely goatee, and he hissed at anyone who came near him. The entire aisle was in shambles, with every shelf and door broken by the strength of a withdrawal.

Nick frowned. All he could say was, “Why am I involved with these people?”

“stay away from me!” Bob cosplaying as Shaggy from _Scooby Doo_ yelled. “stay away from _precious…_ ”

“THAT’S PRETTY GROSS,” Tommy stared at Gaudibro with disgust.

“What did I say about inside voices?!” Nick wanted to kick his garbage man chick.

“THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE, MAN. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???”

Another announcement came over the PA system,

“ATTENTION ALL SHOPPERS AND EMPLOYEES: DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE. THIS MAN HAS THE POWER OF LIME JELLO. I REPEAT- HE HAS THE POWER OF LIME JELLO.”

“Okay we gotta stop him,” The mouth breather realized.

“HEY, GAUDIO!” Tommy called out, not even bothering to take the announcement into consideration. “IT’S YOUR FAVORITE MEMBER OF OUR BAND.”

Bob’s head shot up, his long locks flying with the movement. He paused mid-slurp of his jello. “fwankie? o3o”

“...SECOND FAVORITE.”

“nick?...”

“SCREW YOU. I LET YOU INTO THE BAND.”

The bass player finally spoke up and drew closer to the hippie-looking Bob Gaydio. “Hey, big guy. We’re just gonna take you back to the rehearsal room.”

“hiss.”

Nick took a step back. Who knew Bob could be so terrifying? A few nearby shoppers had looks of sheer terror written on their faces.

“That twelve-year-old man is gonna kill us all!” A shopper cried.

Screams rang out through the store. Butterfly effect.  The building was almost set ablaze due to a birthday cake trying to commit suicide upon realizing what story it was in, but the water sprinklers put out the tiny flame in a matter of seconds.

“Too much is happening too fast,” Nick wanted to crush his head in a freezer door, but he didn’t want his nipples to get cold and show through his shirt. He rubbed the bridge of his nose.


	3. Chapter 3

“C’MON, GENIUS,” Tommy motioned at Bob as the sprinkles soaked the trio and remaining shoppers and employees. “IF WE LEAVE NOW, WE WON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR THOSE JELLO CUPS YOU ATE.”

“no!” Bob shouted, his goatee dripping with water. “i don’t wanna! >:(“

Nick looked over at his boyfriend bottom brother and an idea popped into his head. “Hey, Frankie’s really worried about you. He could barely move when you left.”

Bob’s volume lowered. “rlly?? omg ur not lying right?”

Tommy shook his head. “IT’S TRUE. HE EVEN CALLED YOU HIS BOYFRIEND WHICH IS REALLY GROSS CONSIDERING HE’S YOUR MOM.”

“boyfwend? o///o”

“Yep,” Nick wished he was making this up. “He needs you there.”

“...okai, i’ll be right there.”

Among all the commotion, the crazed trio managed to sneak out of the burnt and wet smelling supermarket. At the sudden change in temperature, Bob sneezed.

“excuse me owo”

Suddenly an alarm went off and a bright red grid of lasers appeared before the three men. It turns out that the supermarket had went into quarantine right after Tommy and Nick entered, locking anyone from entering or exiting. It just so happened that Bob’s sneeze landed on a laser shield, not only alerting the building’s security, but also the police.

“oopsie~” Bob pouted, “what do we do now?”

Before Tommy could stab his eyes out, the police jumped through the grocery’s windows, rolling in like torpedos and breaking the glass in the process. It wasn’t too dissimilar to Connor from _Detroit: Become Human_ , and hell he might have actually been here, but he was probably too busy licking deviant blood off the walls of some other crime scene.

It took a full minute for the law enforcement officers to get back on their feet. Because of their decision to jump through the windows instead of just breaking and entering (Tommy was especially disappointed), some of them suffered wounds from glass shards.

“You guys… Are under arrest!” one of them yelled.

Tommy’s response was immediate, “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE. C’MON GUYS WE CAN STILL MAKE IT—“

“Shoot me,” Nick ran in front of his group, “Please just f*ckin’ shoot me I beg you.”

Another police officer frowned, “Dude. You need help.”

“I’ve been crying for help ever since I met Tommy. I can’t take it anymore; I’ve lost my sanity just rooming with him.”

“I can’t really shoot you, but I’ve got pepper spray.”

“I don’t want to be in pain, you goddamn imbecile.”

“You can try drinking it?”

Tommy groaned, “NICKY IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SH*T OUT RIGHT NOW I’M ~~NEVER GOING TO BE BOTTOM FOR YOU AGAIN~~ GONNA TAKE OVER AS BASSIST.”

“No use trying to change who you are, f*ckwit,” Nick rolled his eyes.

Bob chimed in, “i just want to see mother.”

The rest of the law enforcement workers turned their attention to the unkempt-looking Bob. He was still wet from the sprinklers, so his long hair stuck to his forehead, and there was pieces of green Jello trapped within his facial hair. “You’re not going anywhere, punk! We’re going to sedate you and present you to the CIA for government research! No man should be able to rake in this much power from green Jello alone!” announced one of the officers.

“actually,” Bob began with a matter-of-fact tone, “it’s lime. there are some other flavors that are green but lime is its own unique identity that deserves _respect_.”

“Shut the f*ck up, kid,” Nick did everything in his power to make sure the bullets in the polices’ guns were meant only for him. He wasn’t going to let Gaudio use them up with his need to defend the Jello Lime Cult.

Bob huffed and crossed his arms. “you’re not my mom. you can’t tell me what to do.”

“HE SAID SHUT UP,” Tommy shouted, and all the weapons- including the pepper spray- were instantly pointed at him.

“Goddamnit!” Nick threw his arms in the air. “I was this close.”

“Y’all coming with us,” the head officer said in a clear French accent. “Strap up, pardners. Y’er gonna be in for a big one.”

“oh no!” Bob gasped. “but if we’re in jail, we won’t be able to see frankie! OoO”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” The French officer assured him. “Yer boyfriend is in perfect hands.”

“no, no, no. fwankie is my mom.”

“I swear to God! Shoot me, please!”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY PERFECT HANDS?” Tommy bleated. “BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL AM NOT HOLDING HIM RIGHT NOW.”

“He’s waitin’ in a cell all warm ‘n cozy,” the head officer put his lasso back on his belt and chuckled, “He started interrogatin’ ‘n attackin’ innocent civilians since ya haven’t come back.”

“oh no! i’ve worried fwankie! :,(“ Bob began to shed childish tears. They poured down his jello encrusted goatee.

“Yeh okay. Poor you. Y’all comin’ with us.”

The policemen pounced. The Three Seasons were kept in headlock as they were sauntered off to the nearest jail.

“NO! UNHAND ME YOU FIENDS!” Tommy shouted, all the while kicking and thrusting in attempt to free himself to run. “I ALMOST SURPASSED MY RECORD OF THREE HOURS!”

Nick pleaded that he would actually rot in jail this time, so long Tommy was kept in a cell that was far, far away.

“IF IT GETS TOO HOT IN THERE, YOU CAN’T STOP ME FROM STREAKING IN THE CELL.”

Never mind. Nick needed to keep a close eye on Tommy while they were in there. A _very_ close eye.

All of them were brought into a squad car without much of a fight. Nick, expressing his innermost feelings with dead eyes, silently wished for the sweet embrace of death. Having known him for more than five years, Tommy recognized the expression almost immediately.

“IF YOU KERMIT SUICIDE I WILL KILL YOU,” is all he said.

Nick cocked a brow, “That doesn’t even—“

“NOTHING’S IMPOSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH, MACHOOCH.”

Bob cried, “i believe mom will come to save us!! >:c”

“NO. I’LL SAVE US, NITWIT. WE JUST GOTTA PLAN A PRISON BREAK.”

“You know we’re not going to prison, right? We’re going to the CIA for government research because _someone decided to TERRORIZE THE CITY BECAUSE OF A SUGAR ADDICTION_.”

“why are you being such a bully, machooch? :c”

“HEY ONLY I GET TO CALL NICKY MACHOOCH—“

“ _Oh my god_.”

Fed up with this world, Nick managed to open the car door with cuffed hands and jumped the f*ck outta there while the vehicle itself was on the freeway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re from our Tumblr, we’re very sorry.

“NICKY, NO!!!” Tommy screamed, “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ME STRIP IN PRISON YET!!!”

The officer driving lit a cigarette, “Well, he’s ded.”

The guitarist laughed, “THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, KIDDO. NICK IS THE PERFECT EMBODIMENT OF IRONY! EVERY TIME HE WANTS TO DIE, I’M PRETTY SURE YEARS ARE ADDED TO HIS LIFESPAN. HE’S BASICALLY IMMORTAL.”

The officer stepped on the brakes, “Immortal..? You mean like…  _ A lizard person _ ?”

“I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU’RE IMPLYING THAT I’VE BEEN CHECKING OUT THE A*S OF A F**KING LIZARD FOR ALMOST A DECADE I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THIS CAR AND THEN MYSELF.”

“Can’t blame you,” the cop replied, “He’s a pretty hot lizard.”

The car turned 180 degrees and drove straight for Nick, a now alleged Illuminati member.

Bob, mustering all the Jello powers he could, proclaimed to the law enforcement officer, “i can’t let you take nicky! without him, tommy would be straight!”

Tommy refused to reply as he remembered all the gay sh*t he and Frankie used to do before Bob came into the picture.

The officer driving simply sped up towards Nick’s body which, as they drew closer, seemed to be making an attempt to inch away into the highway’s center. “Straight? Yeah, okay. Not with a hairstyle and personality like that. Not to mention his voice.”

“EXCUSE YOU,” Tommy screamed as he prepared himself to pick up his suicidal brother. “IT’S NOT GAY. IT’S VEGAN.”

The officer parked on top of the body, causing cars to honk as a traffic jam began piling up. “Okay, Christian Hoff. My bad.”

“no,” Bob shifted in the backseat. “that can’t be it.”

“Vincent Piazza?”

“WHO THE F*CK IS VINCENT PIZZA?”

“Shut up,” a muffled voice from below uttered. Of course, it was ignored.

“gosh, who’s that vegan dude with that weird tattoo that shows off his body all the time…?”

“WHY WOULD YOU LOOK AT SOME RANDOM STRANGER’S BODY WHEN YOU HAVE MINE TO LOOK AT?”

“i’m not part lizard, tomothy. i’m not obligated to be thirsty for your dong.”

“I’m not even in the car and I can hear you!” Nick shouted from beneath the vehicle. “Good God!”

“Woah. Hold up there, J. Robert Spencer,” the CIA chauffeur rolled down his window. “We’ll get you out from there in a jiffy.”

“Never say  _ jiffy _ again,” the bassist under the car grunted , though the grunt wasn’t as loud as it usually was in the bedroom with Tommy .

“that still doesn’t seem right,” Bob mashed his face against the window.  “maybe michael lomenda?”

“Yeah, that makes more sense,” the officer replied. “But maybe he’s more like that other dude. You know, the one that’s mega gay but has to act all straight man™️? Works with that horse tattoo guy.”

“aw! i forgot his name, too!

“Guys, this car is crushing me and I’m still breathing,” the band’s Ringo said in a voice that mimicked a fish out of water.

“DON’T WORRY, MACHOOCH. WE’LL GET YOU,”  Tommy squealed. He twisted and jerked in the car as if that would open the door faster.

“You’re not Houdini. Don’t bother.” Nick felt the car lurch on top of him. He was sure his ribs were snapping into pieces, but he couldn’t care less at the moment.

Bob patiently sat in his seat. He stroked his goatee that was slowly growing back into his face as if he were Benjamin Button. “would this mean i am comparable to daniel reichard? :0”

The officer laughed. He finally swung his door open. “Maybe Erich Bergen.”

“WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???” Tommy was practically upside-down in his seat.

“i understand if you don’t know who daniel reichard is,” Bob smiled. “he doesn’t even have an official wiki page yet.”

“WHAT IS WIKI? STOP SPEWING WORDS, YOU F*CK.”

“Hey! Calm your tits, Sam Wolf,” The officer stepped out of the car, stepping on Nick’s leg.

“that’s the name!”

Nick blinked and stared at the sun in hopes of going blind. Why couldn’t he just die already? “When I get out from here I’m going to spit on all of you.”

“Save your saliva for when you drop your soap, bud,” the driver looked down at the body under the vehicle.

The traffic continued to pile up. Cars began to crash into each other. Butterfly effect.

“Beep beep, motherf*ckers. You’re holding up the freeway!”

“SHHHH! This is cop business!” The officer shot back. He pulled out a doughnut from hammerspace in order to prove his point. He bit into it. “Mmm, jelly!”

“jello?!” Bob’s head shot up, his long locks slowly diminishing.

Tommy slammed his head into the seat. “IS THIS WHAT NICKY FEELS LIKE?”

“You’re not even close,” the bassist spat before turning back to the sun.

“Alright you dirty lizard,” the CIA/policeman(?) began, stuffing the rest of his donut into his mouth, “We’re gonna pull you out of here.”

Nick gazed longingly into the sun, but for some reason his vision seemed to be getting better. Why was he like this. He only snapped out of his daze when he felt two hands grip both of his ankles. The pulling only made his existence even more painful.

This realization actually pushed Nick to sob. “Why don’t you just move the damn car?!”

“We’ll get you out, Mr. Massi! Your band needs you!”

“I NEED YOU, NICK!” Tommy yelled, tumbling out of the open door and falling onto his face. His limbs spazzed out as he fell, though, because he couldn’t soften the landing with his wrists bound as they were. He spent a minute kicking his legs around like a white wannabe breakdancer before rolling toward Nick’s body. The position he ended up in made him stick his stomach to the asphalt. His face squished as he let his cheek lay on the street.

With this romantic expression, Tommy reassured his fellow strings player, “YOU’LL GET THROUGH THIS MACHOOCH.”

Nick’s expression contorted into one of absolute disgust. “Get away from me, you demon. If you really loved me, no homo, you'd get in the driver’s seat and get this car off me.”

“WHAT? SORRY I DIDN’T CATCH THAT.”

“I’m going to f*cking spit on you— AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGHHHH!!!”

The CIA FBI agent  policeman was literally pulling on just Nick’s ankles to drag him free from the car’s pressure.

“WITH ALL THOSE BROKEN BONES YOU COULD BE FLEXIBLE! YOU KNOW I LIKE ‘EM BENDY—“

For once in his life, Nick raised his voice, reaching a pitch that could rival Frankie’s high notes, “I AM LITERALLY BEING TORN APART JUST GET INTO THE F*CKING CAR, DEVITO.”

“Yessir. Geez, looks like someone’s on their period.”

Tommy crawled back into the car and stretched his way into the driver’s seat. With the car already being turned on, all he needed to do was put the gear back into Drive and step on the gas. He did so effortlessly, but there was one problem:

He didn’t put it in Reverse.

“AW SH*T—“

“AAAAAAAUUUUUGGHHHH!!!!”

Bob tilted his head in confusion, “what’s happening, tommy? o^o”

“WELL YOU SEE, WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH—“

Tommy looked out of the windshield to see that not only had he ran Nick over  _ more _ , but he also crushed the policeman’s hands in the process as well.

“MOTHERFU-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao we’re not actually


End file.
